I found a bunch of notebooks from when I was 18. In these
books there are some mindless and
mindful ramblings. Reading these notebooks shows me how bi-polar, with OCD and
ADHD rising, I was!...I am!...What I'm saying is, that I feel like I could have written some of it
in the last few years!
Also in these notebooks are some strange things that I drew,
references to music and how soothing it was, and there are also the earliest references to Ralph Anybody. It’s
the name that popped up a few times in some silly thing I was writing.
Now…I am Ralph
Anybody!
But how did I get here?
Or…am I really here at all?
Reading these notebooks has sent me on a spiral (much like the notebooks!) into a sea of
nostalgia. And it’s not always a calm sea.
Right now I’m sitting here. I’m sitting here and my mind
(what’s left of it!) begins to wander into those dark, dusty places called
memories. The places I’d prefer not to
go. For my head strays not into the good memories, but into those down, sketchy
memories which are hard to see clearly, yet are impossible to forget totally.
The grey coldness outside is a perfect reflection of those
times, and it helps (not that I want it to) to bring those memories into focus.
It has not happened in a long time…but now I am sitting here, trapped…trapped
within my past.
I feel very depressed, and I’m not always sure why. I am
unable to think clearly, but I must hide this fact from others and be, OK. I
fidget a lot , I’m very nervous….
Now, or then?
Is this just the past that I’m remembering, or is it
presently happening? My mind clears enough for me to realize that it is both!
I’m confused…my mind is racing and I can’t seem to make any
sense of anything. I must try to relax.
The sides of this slope are slippery, and my mind can’t grab
hold. Smiles help, but memories are stronger, and they force me down.
It’s strange that the
past can be stronger than the present.
And it will spank your brain!
Ralphie
