Spanks For The Memories

I found a bunch of notebooks from when I was 18. In these books there are some mindless and mindful ramblings. Reading these notebooks shows me how bi-polar, with OCD and ADHD rising, I was!...I am!...What I'm saying is, that I feel like I could have written some of it in the last few years!  

Also in these notebooks are some strange things that I drew, references to music and how soothing it was, and there are also the earliest references to Ralph Anybody. It’s the name that popped up a few times in some silly thing I was writing.

Now…I am Ralph Anybody!  

But how did I get here?

Or…am I really here at all?

Reading these notebooks has sent me on a spiral (much like the notebooks!) into a sea of nostalgia. And it’s not always a calm sea.

Right now I’m sitting here. I’m sitting here and my mind (what’s left of it!) begins to wander into those dark, dusty places called memories.  The places I’d prefer not to go. For my head strays not into the good memories, but into those down, sketchy memories which are hard to see clearly, yet are impossible to forget totally.

The grey coldness outside is a perfect reflection of those times, and it helps (not that I want it to) to bring those memories into focus. It has not happened in a long time…but now I am sitting here, trapped…trapped within my past.

I feel very depressed, and I’m not always sure why. I am unable to think clearly, but I must hide this fact from others and be, OK. I fidget a lot , I’m very nervous….

Now, or then?

Is this just the past that I’m remembering, or is it presently happening? My mind clears enough for me to realize that it is both!

I’m confused…my mind is racing and I can’t seem to make any sense of anything.  I must try to relax.

The sides of this slope are slippery, and my mind can’t grab hold. Smiles help, but memories are stronger, and they force me down.

It’s strange that the past can be stronger than the present.

And it will spank your brain!

Ralphie